pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Holy sore nipples Batman
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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