apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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