Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
