i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
