I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
