what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
