and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Boobs are out for the taking
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
