walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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