the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
