I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
