Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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