the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
