I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
