I think I just saw someone hide a body.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
