My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
