counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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