There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
