help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
