We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
