i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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