Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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