My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
