Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
