Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
