I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
how drunk are you?
Several
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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