Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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