Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
