Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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