Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
