i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
