I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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