So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
