I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
It was confusing and full of hummus
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
