If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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