i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
