I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
