This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
And then he peed in my hair
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