my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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