I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
