I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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