Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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