That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
she told me i tasted like america
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
