Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
