I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
