if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
