no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
