If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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