Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
