I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
