forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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