She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
